Dividends of the Psyche, Matters of the Heart.

December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012

"... If it could sneak up on you, surprise you... and at the same time make you think that what you thought was not only right, in a wrong kind of way... but when you're wrong... there's a certain rightness to your wrongness... More importantly, we're all looking to be swept up, and at the same time... not."

--Pierce Gardner


Many times, we've told someone or have been told not to "think" too hard when it comes to romantic partnership. During those times, we're either telling someone this when we attempt not to interfere with another person's love life; in other instances, we're being told this because we've given someone a reason to think we're overly analyzing a situation that, had we only taken it for exactly what it was, could prove nothing but beneficial to us. Whatever our quandary at these times, we're placed at the threshold of a very simple fact: every one of us is going to fumble when good things come our way at the most unpredictable times. We tend to... for lack of better description... write them off as "too good to be true", and do not delve as deeply as we can to that sometime, something, or(most often) someone. We want so badly to be taken by surprise, swept up by this love we've yet to find; and, being the complex individuals that we all tend to be at some time or another (some, more often than most-- that, I can attest to firsthand), we want to know when and where it's going to happen, to have full control. We, more than anything, want to know WHO this person will be; because, after all, they will have a very special power over us: a power we privately wish to give away whole-heartedly, but seem so unwilling to let go of when we think of our different pasts.

I've been swept up; and I've been, to others, a sweeper. But most recently, I can't say. The most significant coexistence I've ever had with someone has proven the most trying, the most painful, and the most intellectually stifling. I can't match wits, yet I've never seemed to outsmart him... this person, that I've yet to identify as my captive or he, my captor.


Modern nature gravitates us all to love; whether we respond in acceptance or dissonance and denial, we RESPOND nonetheless. It's true that, when we're asked to make an impromptu picture of what we believe is our ideal love, we are less sophisticated in verbalizing what we think of at every moment, of every day. Our thoughts, fantasies, and otherwise very real experiences are extremely vivid; they're everything we desire and more, yet our words seem to contradict those vignettes in which we remember. The quick-to-judge label these contradictions as fear; I tend to think of them as preventative measures... from one's own success, nonetheless. So, in essence, either label makes it clear that, if they're present, growth is impossible.


The most unfounded truth that many seem to forget is that those we hurt can be placed back in our good graces. All things wrong can be made right again... In layman's terms: Once you've hurt someone, and if you truly treasure their presence in your world, go forth and... UNhurt them. As my personal life opens, and I allow myself to be a part of more lives around my own, I don't think I've met one person who believes in true forgiveness. They have yet to not only forgive others, but also to forgive themselves for things. This pattern of an unforgiving culture that emerges in all of us does nothing for but everything to our relationships. We grow to distrust our friends, our lovers become enemies in the midst of relationship setbacks, and we no longer believe in the "us" that comes from the "I" we are born as, and taught we will always live with. If it's not making sense, it's because, simply...

Love, dear friends, it's messy.

We make a widespread mess of it all, love. The love we wish to be fed, we do not ask for; the love our partners wish to bestow upon us, we do not accept; the love we help create, we destroy with revisiting of our past pains. That of the most passionate of exchanges, evokes the most heartache. However, I've always been a firm believer that real love is never supposed to hurt. I think that there is a hungry curiosity in all of us to feel something we've never felt before; yet, I believe there is a larger, more overbearing urge for many of us who've experienced abandonment, pain within the family, the unfaithful, etc., to resist the overwhelming search for happiness. When it's meant to flourish, it seems to always start out in complete dizziness; but, the deepest rivers create the longest-lasting streams.

The truth of it is that, just like love itself, a big grand mess is necessary. When it's meant to flourish, any and all things surrounding a center of passion will begin in the most uncomfortable and seemingly unmanageable way. But this lack of comfort, I always thought, serves as a wrecking-ball for all of the past's undoings. I'd like to ask as many people as I can, what's undone the past, and allowed for you to simply give in and be swept up?




♥


I rarely delve directly into specific personal things I'm experiencing; maybe a nuance or reference, but rarely a specific scenario. With that being said...

"Let's talk about mamas."

Unless you're completely obsessed and in love with your mom like I am (in a completely non-creepy or sexual way) then you have absolutely no qualms about spending extensive periods of time with one another. That has always been one of the most rewarding aspects of my life, how honestly happy I am to be a part of my quirky family. Yet.....

There is no denying that, with age, women who are closely knit with their mothers go through oddities in the form of phases. I, have indeed experienced this; not with age, but with the loss of my independence. A combination of variables landed me back under my mother's roof, for what I regularly coin as a TEMPORARY stay... and I'm less than thrilled. It, initially, had nothing to do with our relationship -- but, in every way possible, the contrary was achieved. It became about the relationship, when my main focus (tunnel-vision, even) was escaping back to what I had grown to know and love -- aloneness.

The glorious autonomy which I'd live within for years prior to a series of concurrent shitty circumstances has thus dissipated, like a cold mist on an ice cream cone once it hits a humid hand. My magical mist was gone, I was once again someone's CHILD and not myself. Coexisting has never been my strong suit, for many reasons. I just.... can't.... live in others' company outside of romance.

[fights a laughing fit]


I'll finish this later.